What happens when four clichéd underdeveloped characters go on a road trip in the Deep South? That’s right, you guessed it, because you’ve seen it all before, this time it’s called Albino Farm.

Poorly written characters are a major problem for a film where the miniscule budget means all the action is in the final act. More time on the script, adding snappy dialogue and interesting character interaction would have done wonders.

The least detestable character was the Slut. I know she’s a slut because she’s wearing a low cut tight top, a short skirt and high heels in the back country and acting like a slut and being all bitchy.

Actually she could be a bitch and not a slut because she doesn’t do anything that slutty, then again she doesn’t do anything that bitchy.

I think the other female was supposed to be the virgin. I know she’s a virgin because she’s not the slut but she could be a lesbian, she’s wearing trousers and not just literally because she’s sort of in charge. Well, she’s doing the driving and being bossy and uptight because I’m assuming she needs to get laid, that means she’s a virgin, right, or is she just a bitch and/or a lesbian.

I’m confused.

There’s also a wannabe Stiffler asshole. I know he’s an asshole because at every given opportunity he (over) acts like an asshole. He’s completely obnoxious to everyone he meets in a way that would see him ripped apart in real life. Guess what? Wait, no, that would be a spoiler, but it’s obvious what’s going to happen. At least his character is vaguely consistent.

Rounding off the motley crew of stereotypes is the token ethnic, at least the character’s Indian, not some middle class black actor playing a ghetto kid. But just in case that’s too original, he’s a nerd. I know he’s a nerd because every time he gets a line it’s leaden, useless plot exposition. I don’t need it. I’ve seen Deliverance, and The Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn and Wrong Turn 2 and I fucking well know what happens next.

Obviously inexperienced (bordering on amateurish) and lacking chemistry, the actors struggle with the poor script. Consequently the first forty minutes are boring and annoying. The virgin/lesbian/bitch is uptight, the nerd explains the plot, the asshole is an asshole and the slut totters around and eventually gets her tits out. Awesome dude, except it’s blatantly a body double.

On the plus side Albino Farm is atmospheric, stylish and well shot, apart from the climax which despite being predictable is confused by overuse of shaky handheld camera. For fucks sake I know Robert Rodriguez said take the camera off the tripod but try and keep it on the action. I want to be disturbed and feel sick from gore not crappy camerawork, not that there’s much gore, which is another problem for what is essentially a gore film.

You’d be forgiven for thinking I didn’t like Albino Farm but it’s not that bad, it’s just sloppy, the whole film feels lazy with an unfinished script, very poor CG and appalling sound in places. The latter two could be forgiven for a micro budget film but it’s hard to forgive a poor script, it costs nothing to write and you have as much time as you need. So, why do filmmakers insist on producing derivative (rip off) horror films like this? Largely because financiers aren’t creative, they only understand bottom line and films like this make money.

Despite its faults I’d like to see Albino Farm make some, so writer/producer/directors Joe Anderson and Sean McEwen get to make another film because at times Albino Farm has flashes of humour, scares and demonstrates a real visual flair. They did the hard part, they got the money to make a film. Now all they have to do is the easy bit, write a decent original script instead of Dude, Where’s My Mutated Inbred Redneck Killer.

5/10