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Monsters, demons, ghouls, murderers, ghosts, zombies, killers, over-sized animals, vampires, lunatics, mutants, madmen

SPOILER WARNING!!
All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

 
 

ALIEN

AKA

 

Were bastards in…

Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Alien Vs Predator, Alien Vs Predator: Requiem

So what the hell are they?

Black, shiny and evoking all sorts of disturbing sexual undercurrents with their somewhat phallic heads and painfully invasive reproductive habits the alien is the most perfectly evolved killing machine in the galaxy.

With an insect-like hive mentality and absolutely no compassion or anything really resembling human thought the Alien is well-named. Not just because it is from another world but because it is just so different and unnatural. Its sheer existence defies nature.

mrs ganush

They come in a variety of forms, all of which are nice and deadly in their own way. They begin as large disgustingly fleshy eggs from which emerge the distinctly spider-y face huggers which as their name might suggest are primarily concerned with hugging faces. It’s not so much a hug though as a death grip which results in the hugged party being forcibly impregnated with a young alien. This creature then bursts through the unfortunate victim’s chest and scurries off to some dark hiding place where it grows improbably quickly into a roughly man sized alien adult.

Told you it was invasive.

There is also the considerably larger and even more unfriendly Alien Queen which as well as being attached to an enormous egg-laying ovipostor also has a gigantic ridged head piece thing which certainly looks impressive and regal but is probably fairly impractical in reality.

That’s not a knife…

The Alien is sheer walking death really, it really doesn’t need any external help. Incredibly strong, agile and able to crawl in the smallest of spaces. It is also as silent as a great big spiky ninja albeit a great big spiky ninja with a prehensile tail which is tipped with a massive stabbing spike. Not being content with one slavering mouth full of horrifically sharp teeth the Alien tops this by having another mouth inside that one. Not only that but the second mouth can shoot out and burst through people’s skulls. It’s just taking the piss really…

 

Why, for the love of God why?!!?!

It seems to be just a typical parasitical survival instinct that keeps these particular bastards so damn hostile and lively. They didn’t get where they are today but not having a viciously aggressive disposition twinned with an alarmingly lethal physiognomy and an inherently aggressive breeding cycle. But who did eh?

So what’s the damage?

Loads. Anyone who comes across these alien bastards usually ends up getting it in some horribly painful way whether it be by having one devour your insides and erupt from your chest or covered in goo and eroded whilst still alive to be turned into the biological nesting stuff these guys seem to have a fondness for or perhaps be stabbed through the middle by its tail and then torn in half.

Maybe if you’re lucky it will be a combination of the above or if you’re spectacularly unfortunate, like poor old Ripley you can suffer the pain, not to mention indignity, of burning to death submerged in molten metal at the same time as having one rip its agonising way out of your body. That's gonna sting for sure.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

They are incredibly tough little bastards but they’re definitely killable. It just helps if you’re an 8 Foot tall Predator with a laser-aimed shoulder cannon. If you’re not one of these (and I suspect that you’re probably not) try using a colonial marine pulse rifle (which incidentally makes the coolest noise in Sci-Fi gun history). Just make sure you pack plenty of ammo.

Oh, and it’s probably best to avoid the inevitable splashback too. Their blood is made up of an incredibly powerful molecular acid which has no problem eating through metal bulkheads and will therefore probably not leave all-too soft and fleshy human skin and bone in the greatest shape.

Of course, if you really want to get rid of the alien menace you can always introduce something so monumentally rubbish into the franchise that nobody wants to touch it anymore.

Yes, I’m looking at you Alien Hybrid thing, you look like a big white turd.

Words of wisdom

No words here but some rather elephantine squeals and trumpets as well as the more traditional evil hissing and constant drooling. Messy bastards.

 

By Matt Compton

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