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The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history

SPOILER WARNING!!


All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

 
 

COFFIN BABY

AKA:

Chris Doyle

Was a bastard in:

The Toolbox Murders (2004)

So what the Hell is he?...

Coffin Baby, as our obligatory and in no way cliched mysterious wise old man character tells us in Tobe Hooper’s remake of The Toolbox Murders, was born into death. What this seems to mean is that he is the unfortunate offspring of a woman who died whilst pregnant who subsequently went on to give birth anyway. Now that’s dedication.

mrs ganush

Of course this had the side-effect of making this fellow both hideously disfigured and utterly psychotic. It’s funny how many things have this effect isn’t it? It’s surprising there aren’t more masked lunatics running around slaughtering everything that moves really. Somewhere along the way he also got some sort of supernatural upgrade which while making him incredibly strong and very long-living also gave him a susceptibility to mystic runes and symbols which were then used to seal him inside a secret section built into the walls of a hotel.


God knows why – ask Tobe Hooper.
 
That’s not a knife…

The most interesting thing about this character is his determination to use as many different tools as possible and so really justify the film’s title. He uses hammers, drills, nail guns, vices among others. Basically, if you can find it in a hardware store this chap’s probably ripped someone’s pancreas out with it.

 

Why, for the love of God why?!!?!

Awww…meteorites? Brain washing aliens? Bad case of haemorroids? Who knows? It’s something to do with his poorly explored back story probably (see above).

So what’s the damage?

Loads. The Coffin Baby gets some really magnificent kill scenes in this film. He is one messy killer too. He burns a man’s face off with chemicals, chops the top of another poor schmoe’s head off with a buzz saw, nail gun’s a pretty lady to the ceiling and gets another lady completely hammered (sorry that pun wasn’t even worthy of Roger Moore era Bond – yep it was that shit)

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

Just flash the sod some weird runes and he goes away. As for killing him, well that’s yet to be seen as despite being hanged at the end of this film he still made a mysterious disappearance. Perhaps he will show up again some day, these buggers usually do.

Words of wisdom

The standard killer’s silence here again as he is little more than a carbon copy (or rip-off if you prefer) of Jason and all rest.

 

By Matt Compton

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