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Monsters, demons, ghouls, murderers, ghosts, zombies, killers, over-sized animals, vampires, lunatics, mutants, madmen

SPOILER WARNING!!
All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

 
 

DEMON NUNS

AKA:

Megahn Perry leads this merry little contingent of demonic nuns but by the end of the film the majority of the cast have become demonised.

Were bastards in:

The Convent (2000)

So who the hell are they?

There's a popular legend about the local deserted, burned-out convent (what do you mean your town doesn't have one? Every town needs a deserted burned-out convent). It used to be a high school for wayward girls but one of the girls was a little too wayward and managed to get herself all pregnificated. The nuns forced an abortion on the troubled teen who, not taking kindly to this and being so very very wayward, returned after the operation and blew them all away with big guns. Just to finish the job she set fire to the place too. Bitches had it coming if you ask me.

mrs ganush

Anyway, years later the convent still stands but is now rumoured to be haunted by the sisters who lost their lives there. The trouble is however that this story is only half true. The troubled teen in question was pregnant for sure but the reason she really returned to the convent bearing more arms than an anti-Michael Moore convention was that all the nuns there had been possessed by some evil demonic force and they were trying to sacrifice her unborn baby to evil. Yeah, see - sometimes violence is the answer. Guns do kill people yes, but they also make a big fucking mess of hellspawn clergy too.

Back to the story however . The evil is still present in the ruins of the old building after years later and when a partying group of teens (yep, those guys again) accidentally set it free, with the assistance of some decidedly crap Satanists, the demons begin to murder each of the young idiots and possess their corspses as hideous (and strangely neon) slavering creatures.

 

That’s not a knife…

The obligatory demonic claws and teeth are easily enough for disposing of this particular collection of half-witted bannanaheads. There is some fun to be had when we are shown in a flashback the convent when it was still a school and the demonic nuns using some traditional school discipline but modified with large rusty nails. It's a little strange that the students didn't pick up on the fact that the entire faculty had suddenly acquired glow in the dark eyes and a complexion the colour and consistency of week-old irradiated porridge but maybe they were just really really stupid students. Yeah, that'd explain it.

Why, for the love of God, Why??!!?

The good thing about demons is that their motives are really easy to explain. They're demons therefore they're just evil okay? Well, their plan is a tiny more complicated than that to be fair. They need the blood of a virgin in order to birth the antichrist and take over the world. That's what they were trying to do with that teenage girl's baby you see. And there you were thinking it didn't all hold together, tsk tsk, shame on you.

So what’s the damage?

Not many survivors here though the world didn't get overtaken by demons so I guess it could have been much worse. That's small consolation of course for the poor dumb fool who mistakes the demonic nature of the girl he has been trying to score with for a mushroom-induced hallucination. He thinks his luck is in when she drops to her knees and undoes his fly. It doesn't go too well for him form there... Or to put it more bluntly, he gets his cock bitten off.

The girls don't fare much better with one particularly memorable young lady having her face completely torn off and spending the rest of the film as a bloody skull-faced demon cheerleader. I don't know why that's cool but it is.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

The traditional methods for disposing of Hellish forces (crosses, holy water, bible verse etc) are a little redundant here seeing as these particular demons are already in a convent and dressed up as fucking nuns. Nah, a much better option is to get some back-up and who better to supply that much needed bad-ass back-up than..a 55 year old woman? Ummmm, yeah we know what you're thinking but when said woman happens to be a hog-ridin', rifle totin' Adrienne Barbeau chain smoking and bad-mouthing everybody else off the screen this might just be a very good thing indeed. Ms Barbeau plays the adult incarnation of the wayward girl we mentioned earlier. She's still pissed and she's got one hell of an attitude. There's nobody we'd rather have at our back in this (admitedly unlikely) situation.

Well, there's probably loads of people we'd prefer actually but Adrienne Barbeau still rocks.

Words of wisdom:

Anothr bunch of uncommunicative bastards. I wonder why I even include this paragraph sometimes, I really do.

 

By Matt Compton

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