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The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history.

SPOILER WARNING!!


All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

 
 

JAWS

AKA

Bruce

Was a bastard in:

Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3D, Jaws 4: The Revenge

So what the hell is it?

While he may not be the product of nuclear testing, chemical misuse or some other crazy scientific experiment gone awry Jaws is still about as pure shit-your-pants scary as it gets.

The cultural impact of what is in essence just a bloody big fish (albeit one with rows upon rows of barbarically sharp teeth and an utterly insatiable appetite) is too enormous to contemplate but it has been scientifically proven that there is not one

jaws

single human being in existence who has swum in the sea and not for even the most fleeting of fleeting moments had this film (and its theme music in particular) pop into their heads.

While this fact is quite possibly a hastily made up piece of bollocks ( and by quite possibly I mean most definitely) the truth is that for an unconvincing rubber animatronic that couldn’t float, Jaws is quite simply a masterpiece in total bastardry. Affecting and terrifying on all sorts of primal levels his biggest asset is probably the fact that he had rather good direction from Mr Spielberg.

That’s not a knife…

Sharks don’t need weapons, sharks are weapons. Especially this one. Despite not being much more than a big fucking mouth with fins he is quite a deft operator too. Of particular note is the severed head he manages to put back into the sunken boat. Nice trick that.

 

Why, for the love of God, why??!!?

Not being the most complicated of creatures this shark just wants to eat. It just happens to enjoy the taste of humans (taste like chicken apparently – but I suppose that analogy would be lost on a shark, chickens not traditionally being part of their usual diet).

So, what’s the damage?

All sorts of damage here. Most of it is of course the expected people being eaten by sharks kind of damage but the first film pushes the realms of believability when the shark attacks and sinks the ship. The second film easily trumps this by having the toothy bugger eat a helicopter which is in turn bettered by the fourth film which has the hungry shark chow down on an aeroplane. Best of all though is the third instalment which sees our fishy friend eat a theme park. Hurrah!

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

There’s more than one way to kill a shark but blowing them up is always a good bet. Even if it is impossible to make a compressed air tank explode by shooting it as in the original film. Ah well, that’s better than somehow convincing the ever-ravenous beast to leap out of the water and imaple itself on the broken bow of the ship as happens in one of the lamest most ridiculous movie endings in history in Jaws 4.

Words of wisdom:

Sharks aren’t known for their conversation but if you ever go shark hunting I can guarantee you will be singing…

“Show me the way to go home, I’m tired and I want to go to bed, I had a little drink about an hour ago and it’s gone right to my head…”

 

By Matt Compton

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