The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history

SPOILER WARNING!!

All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

KILLER KLOWNS

AKA:
Various

Was a bastard in:
Killer Klowns From Outer Space

So Who the Hell are they?

Not ones for subtle subtexts, these guys are strangely enough clowns (of a sort) who come from outer space and do a lot of killing. See what they’ve done there with that title?

They are actually aliens from some bizarre circus themed planet. They are shaped like clowns, really weird clowns maybe but clowns nonetheless. They are more like big plastic monster versions of clowns (maybe that’s what the ‘K’ rather than the ‘C’ in the title denotes) with big pointy teeth and misshapen bodies.

Oh yeah, and they drive a spaceship shaped like a big fucking tent. See – clowns.

That’s not a knife…

No, no, no the killer klowns don’t need anything as banal as a knife. Why use conventional weapons when you can use clown-related weaponry? They use guns which cocoon victims in cotton candy, guns which shoot popcorn (living carnivorous popcorn obviously), giant comedy mallets and custard pies which melt the victim into goo. Well, if you look like a giant clown and drive a tentship you might as well go the whole hog eh?

Why, for the love of God, Why??!!?

It seems that once again, an alien race has decided that humanity is a tasty delicacy. The victims who aren’t melted or killed on the spot are taken back to the Klown tentship, wrapped in cotton candy cocoons and used as living snack machines for the Klowns who poke straws into the cocoons (big bendy straws naturally) and suck the blood out of the occupant.

So what’s the damage?

Of all the inventive clown related killing in this film the most fondly remembered is when the littlest Klown approaches a gang of bikers on his shiny little bicycle. The bikers, apparently unphased by the creature’s truly bizarre appearance, proceed to mock the poor little alien bastard and trash his beloved little bike. This doesn’t go down particularly well with our green haired little friend however as he promptly gives the head biker an uppercut punch which knocks his head straight off.

Another favourite is the Klown who impresses a group of people with his shadowy puppetry against a wall. Impresses them that is until he makes the shadow puppet of a massive dinosaur which eats them. Somehow.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

The killer klowns are eventually thwarted by the sneaky humans who simply blow their spacheship up with all of them on board. A bit dull really after all that clown flavoured violence.

Words of wisdom:

“Biondar!” – No, I don’t know what it means either.

By Matt Compton

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