The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history.

SPOILER WARNING!!

All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

Mum and Dad

AKA:

Perry Benson and Dido Miles

Were bastards in:

Mum and Dad (2008)

So who the Hell are they?...

Ever wondered what sort of person would chose to live in a house situated right next to a major airport’s runway? Well, the reality is probably just people who choose to exchange peace and quiet for significantly cheaper housing costs but that’s boring so we’re gonna believe Stephen Sheil’s terrifically twisted 2008 feature debut which suggests that it is more likely to be people like Mum and Dad.

Lending weight to my long held belief that no couple who address each other as ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’ should ever be remotely trusted, these two confirm my admittedly groundless suspicions quite spectacularly. Mum is an outright sadist with a penchant for ‘playing’ with her captives – young men and women, who are kidnapped, chained up and chemically muted. Her games aren’t massively sophisticated however and don’t really consist of much more than cutting big gashes into the poor victims who don’t generally seem as into it as Mum does. Funny that.

Dad is a whole different beast altogether and is more inclined to the traditional gentlemanly pursuits of outright murder, corpse-mutilation and fucking pieces of meat. Juicy.

The creepiest thing about the pair is that despite their rampantly antisocial behaviour they do give outsiders the appearance of a normal life and household. They sort of do inside the house too, they just tend to watch hardcore pornography instead of breakfast television and use carved up human corpses instead of Christmas trees. Everybody has their own little idiosyncrasies though huh? Is your family so perfect? Well, yeah, in comparison to these fruit loops I’d say it probably is. I’d hope so anyway, if it isn’t I’d say you got some real problems friend…

That’s not a knife…

Though much of the more extreme violence takes place off screen it doesn’t take a genius to work out what caused the wounds we see on various victims and corpses. Especially when you take into account that an upstairs bedroom has been converted into a rather well equipped ‘workshop’ complete with hanging meat hooks. Looks like somebody has been watching Leatherface’s work…

Why, for the love of God why?!!?!

Shits and giggles mainly. There’s no need for these two to do any of what they do (except maybe for self-preservation so that they can continue doing it but I don’t really consider that to be justification to be honest though I’m no Judge so you never know…) and that’s what really makes them total bastards.

Like in real life, some people just enjoy being conscienceless monsters who enjoy other people’s suffering to such an extent that the normal societal rules of decency and morality are espoused in favour of self-fulfilment and the pleasure of the individual.

But that’s enough about the English government, Mum and Dad are really bad people too.

See what I did there?

So what’s the damage?

It appears that these two loons have been playing their little games for quite some time now and judging by the poor drooling wreck of a young woman they have raised since birth it is certainly something around the twenty year mark. That’s quite a window of opportunity really and seeing as for the short time we spend with them we see several people fall foul of the happy couple we can only assume that the death count is pretty high.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

It is oft-given popular advice that one should fight fire with fire which although surprisingly is not a stance the fire department seem to endorse, it does seem to work in this case.

Or to put it another way, stab them in the fucking neck with their own knives.

Michael Haneke might not approve but fuck him, it’s always a pleasure to see really bad folk get what they deserve.

Words of wisdom

Gesturing towards a man’s severe head sitting on a workbench - “I’ve known that fella 15 years and look what you made me to do to him…”

By Matt Compton

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