The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history.

SPOILER WARNING!!

All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

SATAN MAN

AKA:

Satan, Lucifer, Old Nick, The Fallen One, Beelzebub, Legion, The Devil, or maybe just Josh Annex behind a big rubbery mask.

Was a bastard in:

Satan's Little Helper (2004)

So who the hell is he?

Good question, I’m glad you asked. Satan Man is a guy in a rather cool Satan mask (with rather cool matching satan hands) and a long black coat. Nothing too unusual about that on Halloween really but it’s probably a little more uncommon, not too mention downright unfriendly to murder people in their

homes and decorate their front gardens with the bloody corpses at the same time. Although you might think that people would notice cold-blooded violent murder and the subsequent ghoulish mistreatment of the bodies going on in plain sight by full daylight, inexplicably nobody does. Well, nobody except for an exceptional young boy named Dougie. Dougie is truly exceptional, exceptional in a sort of Forrest Gump way. Dougie's immediate reaction upon catching Satan Man red-handededly (literally) hauling a fresh victim onto the porch is to assume the man is Satan himself but that it is all a joke and that the bodies are special effects. The reason why he jumps to such a logic-defying and baffling conclusion has something to do with some piss-poor video game he is addicted to but that's not important right now.

Dougie and his new friend team up and wander the neighbourhood getting up to all manner of mischief and hijinks. Well, I say mischief and hijinks but I just mean murder really, loads and loads of murder.

The question of whether this chap is indeed the actual devil or not is happily left unanswered and we never set eyes upon his real face but judging by the ease with which he takes on armed policemen, hurls people about and is able to shoot himself in the hand with few ill effects leads us to suspect that there's something certainly not right with this guy.

That’s not a knife…

Satan Man is a bit of a dab hand at turning everyday objects in to murder weapons as evidenced by his trip to the supermarket where he buys plenty of knives, tape and um... candy for his little friend. Of course when I say 'buy' I really mean steal and push a knife into the stomach of the bagboy who tries to stop him.

Satan Man is also particularly good at utilising other objects for unusual purposes- like sellotape used to tie up his victims or drain cleaner used as poison or a dead cat used as a paintbrush. Yep, that's right, dead cats are surprisingly effective for writing messages on walls.

It only works in red though.

Why, for the love of God, Why??!!?

That's a bit of a mystery actually. Not being the most chatty member of the possibly-diabloical- serial-killer fraternity we never really learn a great deal about his intentions. He just seems happy to murder as many people as possible really and have as jolly a time as possible while doing it. He certainly does seem to enjoy his work, especially when it involves pretending to be large breasted young women's boyfriends and helping himself to a 'vigorous massage'. He's also quite partial to sniffing her underwear. I never realised the source of all evil was such a perv. Stands to reason really though when you think about it.

So what’s the damage?

He may (or may not) be the fallen angel and ancient adversary of all that is good and right in the world but he's quite the industrious little fellow too. He manages to rack up an impressive kill list which includes the entire town's police force, a significant proportion of the community and one pregnant lady (which is worth 50 points apparently).

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

A word of warning here - if the completely disguised and up-until-now seemingly undefeatatable killer suddenly is found standing stock still and completely fails to protect himslef as you approach perhaps have a peek under the mask before you bash his skull in and stab him through the heart. It's just common sense really.

Words of wisdom:

Not a peep from this fellow. Not because he can't apparently but, according to Dougie, the stupidest child in the universe, 'because he doesn't have to' which doesn't make the slightest bit of sense of course. It does lend him a definite air of mystery however and also allow him plenty of opportunity to use his rather impressive mime skills. And as we all know- mime is money. Sorry about that.

By Matt Compton

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