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The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history.

SPOILER WARNING!!


All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

 
 

SPIDERS

AKA:

Arachnids

Was a bastard in:

Arachnophobia, Eight-Legged Freaks, Spiders,
 Webs, Giant Spider Invasion, Spiders 2, Arachnid, Tarantula, The Incredible Shrinking
Man, The Mist… and probably quite a few more.

So what the hell are they?

Well, spiders of course. Unlike many of the entries in the TBDB these critters are very much a part of real life – perhaps not the massive ones the size of buildings but the regular sized ones are just as nasty looking and sometimes just as deadly as their silver screen counterparts.

Ray Sawyer

That’s not a knife…

Although spiders come with their very own and very horrible method of killing (their poison liquefies its prey’s innards which the hungry spider then sucks out and consumes) for many people the real horror is just in the little bastard’s very appearance or even existence (a little bit like Paris Hilton).

Why, for the love of God, Why??!!?

Even in the movies these eight-legged beasties are usually just following the basic primal code of eat and propagate. Not really the most evil of plans but then again it all depends on your viewpoint. If you are currently having your internal organs liquefied by the agonizing venom of a spider the size of a barn you may well not be seeing the whole ‘circle of life’ angle. Which is fair enough really.

 

So what’s the damage?

Considering the sheer volume of films made about these guys the damage is considerable. Whole towns are overrun in many films (in Eight-legged Freaks by the giant variety and in Arachnophobia by the more reasonable sized variants) while in others there are battles of a much more personal (not to mention existential) nature – The Incredible Shrinking Man.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

Depends on the size of the varmint in question entirely. Sometimes you aint safe unless you have access to a military helicopter and a rocket launcher and even then it’s pretty touch and go while at other times a rolled up newspaper will do nicely.

Words of wisdom:

None if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky you’ll get the ridiculous ‘comedy’ squeaks and mewlings that made Eight-Legged Freaks such a stinker.

By Matt Compton

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