The Total Bastard Database

The greatest killers, madmen, monsters and maniacs in horror movie history.

SPOILER WARNING!!

All entries in the TBDB are likely to carry spoliers so if you ain't seen the movie they relate to don't read 'em!

SPOOKIES

AKA:

Various

Were bastards in:

Spookies

So who the hell are they?

Hhmm…tough one that – like nearly everything else in this film, it’s never really made clear. What we do know about them however is that they are an impressive variety of monsters, demons and zombies all of whom are collected within one big old spooky house and do the evil bidding of some strange bald
guy in ridiculously bad aged make-up.

Despite the clear and abundant inadequacies of just about everything to do with the film they appear in, the spookies themselves are a real treat.

There are the muck-men who live underground in the cellar and fart uncontrollably as they attack. Then there are the funny little hell spawn imp things, the living Grim Reaper statue (which explodes when it falls off of things for some reason) and the odd gimpy cat-man who wears a rather fetching ruffled shirt and waistcoat combination for motives known only to himself. The real standout and firm favourite however is the spider-woman – a pretty Asian woman who is able to turn into a massive ugly spider in order to suck people’s head’s dry. Fantastic!

That’s not a knife…

Being such a varied bunch, the spookies don’t have a single method of attack, each of them uses their own particular attributes to do their mischief. The Grim Reaper statue obviously uses his scythe for example whereas the spider-woman uses her huge proboscis to stab into people’s skulls and suck out all the yummy stuff within.

Why, for the love of God, Why??!!?

Seeing as the film they appear in is actually edited together from the unfinished remnants of two separate films nothing really has any rhyme or reason to it in The Spookies. As far as can be made out however there is an old sorcerer bloke living in a big deserted mansion. He is trying to revive his young and beautiful bride who appears to be dead. In order to do this he seems to need to kill a bunch of people who wander into his mansion and the best way of doing this is clearly to use the monsters it holds who do his bidding. The usual then.

So what’s the damage?

Everyone who enters the old baldy sorcerer man’s house die horrible deaths one way or another but for sheer ridiculousness the highlight has to be the young boy who falls into a hole and then does absolutely nothing to attempt to escape the cat-man gimp thing who begins burying him alive – really slowly by shovel.

It’s a million to one chance but it might just work…

Most of the monsters in Spookies are actually fairly easily thwarted or escaped from though all of them have their own individual weaknesses. The muck-men for example melt when exposed to wine (which makes a wine cellar perhaps not the wisest of places for them to hide out).

Words of wisdom:

“pparrrrp”

By Matt Compton

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